For a long time, writing was my first love.

During the good times I could use it as a creative outlet and a means of sharing what’s going on in my life. During the challenging times, it’s been one of the things that provided peace and clarity. Frankly, nobody could read this and I’d still continue to write. It really is a love over anything.

I also enjoy reading and being active, whether it’s by running or bicycling or lifting weights. Hiking new places or different trails I never ventured to before in favorite spots is another passion of mine. There was always something to do or that I could be doing to feel alive or productive.

However, this past month has been hard. All motivation went to hell. I haven’t ran in a while, and my cross training has fallen by the wayside. Physically I’ve been sore and tired, not too far off from how I feel the week after a marathon. I either have no desire to eat or I want to comfort eat all the high-salt, high-sugar junk food. I haven’t cared about reading or writing, and other hobbies just aren’t interesting. The only thing I want to do anymore is sleep.

I know this is a side effect of depression. Almost six months of being unemployed and job searching has started to take its toll, wearing me out physically and mentally. Forgive me if this is gross, but I’m now at the point where I have to make myself brush my teeth and bathe – and I’m definitely not proud of that.

Emotionally I’ve been more on edge and weepy. It’s gotten to the point where almost anything can set off tears – seeing a dog on a walk or seeing of group small children out with their teacher with those masks on (quick note from me – this isn’t an endorsement or condemnation of mask mandates. Both sides are crazy on that one.) Yesterday being at the grocery store did it, and I had to pull off into a residential area to get it off my chest and talk to my mother in an effort to calm down.

I had a breakdown in the middle of last week following an early morning berating from someone close to me. It’s actually a shame – I woke up Wednesday feeling like myself. There was no brain fog, and I had my energy back. My hair appointment was scheduled for 9:45 that morning and I was ready to do something for me. That’s the funny thing about unemployment and specifically the stigma that comes with it – if it’s a weekday and you’re not spending eight hours straight on job boards and sending out applications, you’re not really trying to get back to work. Therefore, you the unemployed are a lazy of sack of shit.

Granted, what I or anyone else does with their time really isn’t anyone else’s business, and we’re still in the middle of a pandemic that’s turned quite a few of our lives upside down. But sanctimonious, judgmental asses are everywhere and they refuse to shut up, so with them we have to deal every once in a while.

Then around 7 a.m. I got a phone call that lasted about 40 minutes. I’m not going to share all the details, but the nature of the call and the berating was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I would up cancelling the appointment and spent the entire day distraught to the point of where I couldn’t function. I wound up crying myself to sleep and then woke up feeling dead inside the next day.

The dead feeling stayed with me for a bit, and now it’s today.

I’m calmer, but I’m definitely not out of the woods. I probably won’t be until I’m working again, and who knows how soon that will be, although I am getting some good job leads and applying. My allergies flared up and it feels like I have a brick sitting on my nose. Today’s big accomplishment was eating lunch at a set time instead of grazing all day long.

But if I had to point out a positive, the sun is shining. It’s a beautiful day and I have my sliding door open to let natural air come in. Marina has been enjoying watching the birds and fishermen in the pond out back, and now she’s having a nap on her mom’s bed. I have an interview on Wednesday and my hair stylist was able to get me in on Thursday, so I can finally do something about this root situation.

So I’m going to end today’s post by asking you all: really, how are you doing? Hopefully all is well and manageable, but if not, I hope you can find peace and clarity in the madness. Even if things are going well, I still wish you peace and clarity – God knows this world is crazy and strenuous enough as is!

Yours in writing and reading,

Allison