Now that the weather is nice – which is code for not snowing and icy all the time – I’ve gotten back into the habit of lunch time walks. I forgot how fun and relaxing they are, and each day I always alter my route a little to discover a new street, with new homes and flowers blooming.
The other day I walked up the hill on Northwest Blvd., heading towards the Presbyterian church. I got to thinking about the past season of grieving Grandpa and the past month’s anxiety.
The former isn’t close to being gone, and while I miss him, each day does get a little easier. Grandpa’s presence is always here, showing up when I least expect it. The other day I was walking through a neighborhood where some walnut trees stood. Some of the walnuts had fallen off and rolled onto my path, and I stopped myself from stepping on one of them, lest I fall and break something. The walnut happened to fall next to a thin branch, and the way the two had landed next to each other looked just like the walnut back scratchers Grandpa made for all of us one Christmas.
I don’t believe in coincidences, and I don’t think stumbling across the walnut and the branch on a high-anxiety day was just a result of wind. I was able to smile and feel calm then and carry that with me back to work.
The latter has finally died down and I’m feeling like my old energetic (and scatterbrained, in all honesty) self. I think most of you have noticed a pattern that when I’m feeling good and like myself, the urge to reinvent myself is strong.
But then again the real question is how.
Different hairstyle? I’m already growing my hair out and have blonde eyebrows, so extensions, a drastic cut or a color change doesn’t sound right. And I work in an office. Granted, it’s a relaxed office, but I don’t think the office is that laid back to permit Fruity Pebbles hair.
Shopping sounds good and I love the bright colors Duchess Catherine has been wearing on the Caribbean tour, but the thought of going clothes shopping when I’m still working on a closet purge project doesn’t sound good. Or smart. So I’m going to ixnay that one right now.
With the exception of getting in shape for my summer training, there’s really nothing physical I want to change about myself. Yet I’m feeling the urge to reinvent somehow.
Part of why I write on here is to work my way through thoughts and feelings that don’t really make sense on the surface, usually to figure out what’s eating me by the time I’m done writing. Yet this time around, I don’t have a good answer for myself or anyone. Maybe this great reinvention is going to be a slow simmer. You know what they say – good things take time.
And in spite of my internal confusion, I’m always the optimist.
Yours in writing and running,