The Broad Running Broad

I’ve had today’s post on my mind for a while, but debated if I wanted to put this out there since single woman musings can usually be met with one of two responses: “It’s okay, you’re still young, you’ll meet someone” (thanks, but you clearly didn’t listen to me), or “Well, what do you expect?” (you didn’t listen either.)

I’m aware my upbringing – like anyone else’s – played a huge role in shaping how I view romantic relationships. There’s also elements of my personality that don’t really work in my favor. I’m an only child who scored an INTJ on the Myers-Briggs scale. By nature I’m used to doing a lot on my own and being on my own, so the thought of being vulnerable within a romantic relationship and sharing deep, innermost thoughts frankly terrifies me. Abusers are very real – we all have one our past who used our deepest fears or insecurities against us, and my tolerance for heartbreak is pretty low. My last relationship showed me I can forgive a lot of quirks, insecurities and deficiencies in another, but when “it” goes too far and has to end, the part of me that loved deeply takes a long time to recover and reconcile.

So for the longest time, I assumed that the reason everyone else could find romantic partners and I couldn’t was because of some fundamental brokenness within me. Age and time have finally shut that little voice up.

And then there’s the current dating climate. I gotta say, all the advice that’s come out over the last five years thanks to social media would make even the most emotionally mature, healthy person’s head spin.

Too many relationship gurus are out there either preaching narcissism under the guise of mental wellness or living a happier life (serious question: have any of you encountered a person calling it “my truth” who didn’t turn out to be a phony or have a personality disorder? So far I haven’t.). Then there’s the gurus talking about leveling up to some promised land via relationships with rich so-called high value men. I have a hard time believing there are that many wealthy millionaires who commute via helicopter to work just itching to scoop up middle-class girls who bought an eCourse and give her a life of luxury in some mansion that probably has way too much beige furniture in it.

Ironically, the folks I’ve met over my life who did have money and were generous with it were also notoriously tight-lipped and lived pretty modestly. So if somehow a rich dude who was flashy about his lifestyle took an interest in a woman who makes far less than him, I’d have to wonder about his intentions and worry about the girl, hoping this really is a fairytale come true and not the start of a financially controlling/abusive relationship.

True crime podcasts and female country singers have forever ruined me from falling in love with a flashy rich dude.

The level-up-in-love stuff ties in with a complaint I made to Mom the other day: why are romantic relationships treated so transactionally? This really is the big thing that puts me off dating. I know all relationships are transactional to a point, and healthy romantic ones are interdependent, where the adults take care of each other because 1.) you’re partners, 2.) you love each other and 3.) it’s what you’d want to do anyway.

But the current crap line-up? It’s all podcasters and influencers – both men and women – going back and forth about “what do you bring to the table?” They fight about gender roles and women not being modest, or why men are emotionally stunted and don’t make enough to support the women they want access to. The men ask the women why they don’t cook and clean and take care of a house like their mothers, and the women ask why he doesn’t provide for her if he wants a woman who rests in her feminine and doesn’t have to work so many hours. It’s a back and forth of misandry, misogyny, misandry, misogyny, vulgarity, bitterness, and dumb little soundbytes that get uploaded to YouTube about “owning the modern woman.” Don’t get me started on the traditional-versus-modern woman crap other women get into with each other on there. It’s pretty much a bunch of self-righteous bum pats.

I can’t listen to any of it for long. The “what do you bring to the table?” attitude is only appropriate when you’re looking at the dealership for a new car. Rarely do these people touch on character traits or a human-ness that goes into relationships with other people. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of men and women who subscribe to an exclusively transactional line of thinking, and that stuff is the death of anything meaningful having a chance to bloom. There’s also a stunning lack of grace for human error and the sad or challenging parts of life that we all have to go through. I can’t imagine picking and settling with someone who would only pick me as long as everything “runs right” and would start planning an escape when life, natural disasters or aging happens.

So Reader-friends, the other day this very single cat mom came to the only logical conclusion I could: I am just not marriage material.

In my 31st year of life, I’ve committed to either accepting parts of myself, or getting professional help to change them if “how it is” is driving me to discontentment. My inherent personality traits are what they are – not as a blessing or curse, but just as it is. If I were serious about finding a husband, I’d have to be mindful of them and work with them. The current dating climate is what it is – which is honestly sad, but it’s always better to have your eyes open and then make decisions accordingly. A head in the sand is a bum in the air, as they say.

Looking at the climate and standards in the Year of Our Lord 2023, I’m not marriage material, and I’m not heartbroken over it. I’m at peace about it. I accept it, and I’m going to continue moving forward and living life the way I see fit. It’s a holiday weekend, I’ve got family to see, and Marina kitty is holding down the couch enjoying being the center of attention.

So to all my other not-marriage-material friends and my happily married/partnered friends who have no idea what the dating market looks like, I wish you all self-acceptance, peace and joy today and every day ahead.

Yours in running and life,

Allison