The Broad Running Broad

Before we get into tonight’s topic, I think it would be a good idea to put two disclaimers out there:

1.) My blog is rated “I.” Which is short for “I write about what I want and what I think is funny or relatable.” Not every topic is going to be for everyone, and I wouldn’t twist myself into a soft pretzel trying to do so anyways.

2.) Because I’m an adult woman, sometimes I want to write about adult woman things. Some folks may not want to hear frank menstrual talk, which is totally fine, although this post won’t be one you want to read. So I’ll see you all in the next post.

And now we get on to the topic.

I’m a firm believer that being a woman is wonderful and an underrated superpower. But I will also be the first one to say it’s not for the faint of heart.

There’s two little despots that like to hang out a little south of the border. It’s possible they could be allies or maybe just the neutral neighbors for some ladies, but for most of us at some point or another, they’re little despots. Sometimes they get crampy and knock the wind out of you at the worst possible time. Sometimes they take their personal vendetta out on your look of the day. Those new white pants? You may have gone through menopause, but don’t get too cocky Susan.

Sometimes they’re not one hundred percent normal and our poor lady has to deal with PCOS or endometriosis. Unfortunately we’ve still got a long way to go with the medical knowledge about gynecological health issues being readily acknowledged. Any comments section on Facebook about schools stocking up on free feminine hygiene products confirms the need for education is always there.

Don’t get me started on the obnoxious presumption every woman has had to deal with at least once about PMS or period pains. No Lenny, I am not in a bad mood because my period is coming. I’m in a bad mood because you’re a jackass who isn’t actually funny and can’t read a room to save your life. Now begone, you walnut.

I’ve been dealing with “that time of the month” since I was 10. Over 2/3 of my life has been spent with a week of those little despots expressing their displeasure that the eggs have not been scrambled, fried or fertilized (author’s note: I wish I could claim this joke) and there’s no tiny human snuggled up in my uterus. Pregnancy really isn’t for the faint of heart, which is why I’ve opted out of it and say more power to the women who’ve decided to have children. But no matter what you do, those little despots are always making noise about something.

Maybe despot is too harsh and giving away too much of my own power to the ol’ lady organs. And my lady time isn’t that bad compared to some of the other stories I’ve heard from ladies who really go through it (I’m so sorry.) Anymore I just get some cramps and a killer migraine on Day Two. I hate migraines with a burning passion, since the only thing that doesn’t hurt me is curling up in a dark room with Marina burrowing to my ankles. I’m pretty much useless on Day Two, and I really want Taco Bell.

Which brings us to Lady Time August 2023. Day Two was yesterday and today was better. Meaning that I was actually functional. But, my neighbors on the south side have been demanding meat, cheese and chocolate. I’m trying to cut back on spending, so I told myself no dice to fast food. But, I did go to the grocery store the other night and bought Taco Bell seasoning to go into the ground beef. So I can get my fix economically. The chocolate craving has been satisfied with homemade chocolate icing.

Now I’m standing here tonight and my neighbors still want chocolate. Lunch chocolate wasn’t satisfying enough, so I got out the glass container I’m storing my icing in. Without my contacts in ground beef and chocolate frosting look pretty similar. Imagine my surprise when my chocolate icing had that ground beef texture and smelled like the mystery meat at Taco Bell.

At least I figured it out before sticking anything in my mouth.

Reader-friends, there really is no point to tonight’s post. Normally I am Allison, a.k.a. The Broad Running Broad, who writes about the cities I run and the reflections from the path. But for tonight I am Allison, bearer of the vacant uterus and two little ovaries who really want beef and cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I’ve devolved into my most sleepy, unimpressive form to date. And there’s a good chance I’ll probably have a migraine tomorrow morning.

Yours in life and writing,

Allison