The Broad Running Broad

Today is my mother’s birthday. Last year I wrote about Mom being a quintessential Virgo, which she still is through and through. This past trip around the sun has also been filled with growth and challenges, as well as laughter and triumphs in between, so admittedly, trying to decide which direction I wanted to go with her birthday tribute has been a little interesting.

So here’s where I’m taking you all – a lesson in learning.

There’s a saying about how as a child, you view your mother only in the context of her being your mother. She centers you and your needs for the first five years at least – for some folks toddlerhood is a permanent state and the mother-child dynamic crosses into creepy enmeshment territory – and then as you both grow up, the now-adult child looks at their mother in the context of who she is as a person, not just Being Mommy. So growing up and evolving through life is really something that happens for both mother and child.

My mother is the woman who feels injustice deeply, and isn’t afraid to call it out even when she’s conflicted about whether or not calling it out is the right thing to do. This is the woman who, as a single parent, walked out of a job where the boss made several unprofessional remarks without another lined up because she wasn’t willing to sit there and tolerate someone talking down to her and being a sexist pig about it either. She didn’t know what the future held, but she managed to get a new job a little over a month later.

I was 11 or 12 at this point, and I still use that story as my internal call to action whenever something’s going on that isn’t alright and needs changed.

This is also the woman who was very intentional about how she raised me, making a conscious effort to not let circumstance and old stinkin’ thinkin’ come into how I viewed the world. Back when I was in high school I was complaining about men (no idea what brought this up on my end) and hating them. Mom looked at me and asked, “Grandpa’s a man. Do you hate Grandpa?”

“No,” I replied.

“Then you can’t say that. Grandpa’s a man, and if you’re going to hate all of ’em, you have to include Grandpa in that too.”

As a full confession, I still make generalizations on a regular basis, but that lesson about firing the whole lot or shutting up has stuck with me and provided a foundation for viewing the world and people in a more nuanced way.

Intentional motherhood and “this is bullshit” moments all bring us to this past year.

This past trip around the sun has been marked with a lot of growing and evolving for both of us. The past year and a half without Grandpa has been a time of adjustment and figuring out what normal is going to look like, and really what normal should look like. I’m not at liberty to go into details, so the most I’m going to say is that through a lot of unreasonable scenarios and behaviors, the light that grief had dimmed is turned back on. I can hear it in recent conversations, where anxiety and hopelessness is turning back into, “I’m tired of this, and who says I can’t do something about it?”

There’s a lot of lessons I can take from my mother. Today I just wanted to highlight and honor the big one: that life happens to everyone, there’s no shame in feeling the full spectrum of emotions through betrayal, rage or grief, and then it’s decision time. It will be hard, at times will suck and there will likely be no kudos, but still – do the right thing anyways. Don’t forfeit your right to be around just, good people or situations. Never allow yourself to become the crab in the bucket, since that’s a long, terrible way to go through life.

And to my mother – happy birthday. Thank you for being here, for being you, for being straightforward and authentic, and ultimately teaching me that if you’re willing to look for it, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yours,

Allison