I just realized we are ten days into February and I haven’t blogged since the first. Sorry about that.
Life has been good but also busy. After I last wrote we had a major snow and ice storm roll in. I can handle snow, but ice is a completely different thing. My manager gave us approval to work from home, so thankfully the Thursday and Friday the sleet was rolling in, I got to stay in and work in my warm pajamas. Marina was thrilled to have her mom with her all day. Granted, I was working and she spends most of her day sleeping in one of many hiding spots I’m not supposed to know about, but as long as I’m in the apartment that’s all that counts.
This was all fine and dandy until Saturday came. Originally I planned to go home Saturday night and spend it with Grandma for her birthday on Sunday. However, I discovered after getting all the snow brushed off my car that my front tires were frozen to the ground. The sleet from a few days prior had built up a couple inches of ice, followed by snow and then more ice and topped off with a second round of snow. I had tundra lasagna under there, and since my car is lighter weight, I wasn’t going to be able to put it in reverse, floor it and get myself freed.
Grandma was understanding about it when I had to call and cancel, although I was pretty bummed because 1.) I wanted to spend her birthday with her last weekend, since this is her first birthday without Grandpa and 2.) I had a mental plan for the rest of the month that was now being thrown out of whack thanks to stupid ice and snow.
The second part isn’t the end of the world, but it did irritate me.
Eventually I got to the gym to finish up my mileage for Week 4. My body was feeling a little out of it, but mentally and emotionally I needed to run. I started and completed two miles before feeling lightheaded and deciding to get on the elliptical instead. I was dismayed, but I’ve learned when my body says stop, I have to stop and cross-train or rest.
So I did a 25 minute HIIT workout on the elliptical and a 20 minute incline walk on the treadmill. The first spring race has plenty of hills, and since the trails near my place were too messy, the treadmill incline was going to have to do.
The treadmill I was on was the nearest one to the window, and I saw a familiar silver car pull into the parking lot. My former boyfriend lives in my complex, and I knew it would be a matter of time before I saw him again. Since our breakup last July, the last we spoke to each other was the day Grandpa passed away. He loved Grandpa and I thought it would be tacky if he learned of Grandpa’s passing via Instagram announcement, so I called him to share the news first. It wasn’t an awkward conversation, but there were a few moments that confirmed we were definitely better apart.
A week or two after that I got a sympathy card from him and texted a thank you. It was a brief conversation, nothing notable there.
Ironically enough, I happened to be listening to Kacey Musgraves’ divorce album – which I started listening to on repeat as my belated breakup album last fall – when he came in. We looked at each other and frankly, I was shocked.
My former boyfriend is barely a year older than me, but he seemed so much older and exhausted when I saw him. Actually my first thought was Holy crap, you turned into your dad. (His dad isn’t a bad guy, but is a worrier who’s finishing up a high-stress career as a pilot. Personality and career show in his disposition and his son inherited that.) We saw each other and exchanged small waves.
His typical workout consists of sprinting on the treadmill and then lifting. I finished my incline workout first and we wound up talking – well, him more than me. I wasn’t really in the mood to answer questions about Mom and Grandma with every and any detail about how they’re doing, but I wasn’t rude or giving him short shrift either. He told me what all has been going on in his life and career planning, and hopefully he’s able to make the moves he wants.
It wasn’t a bad interaction, but frankly, seeing him and his disposition bothered me. I’m not claiming that us breaking up last summer is the cause of a spiral, but I had over two years with him. I know him. I’ve seen him sad and scared, and I’ve also seen him at peace and happy. There was no happiness in him that day. He seemed like he was going through the motions of daily life but not really present. He wound up leaving after the treadmill – which is very out of character – and gave me a small wave on his way out.
The whole interaction was surreal. If it weren’t for talking to him and obviously knowing he’s my ex, I would have thought I just saw a ghost move in and out of the gym.
And yet in spite of the emotions coming back to me – mainly sorrow at seeing him not looking well – I got a sudden burst of energy and ran five miles.
Seven miles were completed before lower body work and a sauna nap. I felt better until I got home.
There I thought about him, our history and what I saw at the gym. Frankly I cried and talked to both Mom and Grandma about it. That part of my story is definitely over – and too much was said at the end that a part of me can’t forgive – so reconciliation isn’t going to happen. But a part of me will never want to see him unhappy, especially not like that.
But then Monday and life came back.
I’m still training and happy with how I’m progressing. I’m slowly getting back into lifting to get my shape back as I like it.
Work has been changing on me for the better. I don’t like to talk too much about my day job online, but I will say that I’ve finally been moved to a team. The good news is that my day-to-day will have plenty of variety and I won’t be getting bored.
The okay-ish news is that now I have to relearn the basics after doing the same task all day every day since early October. I sent one of my trainers a message this morning joking that I feel like the human embodiment of the Jeff Foxworthy joke about staring at a can of orange juice because it says “concentrate” on it. I’m sure once repetition will help, but right now I feel like I’m over thinking straightforward tasks.
But I’m getting good feedback and compliments. So weighing the victories with the occasional headache means I’m going to hang around here for a while.
Now if you all excuse me, I need to drink some coffee and message various coworkers for help. I hope you all are staying warm and snuggly wherever you are right now.
Yours in writing and running,